“Until we come to an authentic and unclouded idea of who we are, we are only a reflection of the opinions of other people” Michael J. Formica
Running and Motivation During a Pandemic
Well, here we are already. September 2020. I didn’t think it would take me quite this long to write the second posting on my blog site but life has enough pressures and writing a blog should be enjoyable and something you want to do, not something you feel you have to. What a year it has been, eh? Hindsight really is 20/20 (2020!)
So, we all know how things have gone this year. Here in Scotland we entered ‘lockdown’ due to the Covid-19 Global Pandemic in the final week of March and it pretty much messed up whatever plans people had for the rest of the year. Our lives have been turned upside down and our familiar routines shattered.
For those of us who run, one of the obvious impacts of Covid has been the cancellation of races and many runners have been left questioning themselves as to why they actually run. What is the point of following a training plan if you don’t have a race to train for?! Virtual racing has provided a focus for many and it has undoubtedly helped some people retain their motivation to train. There have been a number of amazing new records set, or ‘Fastest Known Times’ (FKT), on a variety of routes.
I asked myself a number of times how the lack of races would affect my running. Where would it all leave me? Honestly, in much the same position as I would be in if there was no Global Pandemic. I outlined in my first blog post on this site that I’m very clear on my reasons for running. I run because I love it. I run because it helps my mental health enormously. I run because it makes me feel alive. Racing is fun. But it’s not a requirement for me. It is not the reason that I run. I always remember a chat I had with seasoned Ultra Runner John Kynaston. He told me that running was like cake and racing was the cherry on top of the cake – it is nice to have but you don’t need it to enjoy the cake for what it is. I do love a good cake analogy. And, cake.
So, for me, there has been no virtual racing, FKT’s or anything else. Just running. I’ve retained, mostly, the same mental focus on my training plan provided by my coach Paul Giblin (www.pyllonultra.com). I’ve run some pretty decent mileage and although the announcement about the cancellation of my big race for the year, UTMB, was disappointing, it wasn’t devastating. I would carry on training regardless, albeit without the elevation focus the UTMB demands.
My Relationship with Me – It’s….Complicated
However, this year has brought into stark focus some pretty big issues with how I perceive myself as a runner. I might be confident in why I run and what I love about it, but do I respect what I do and what I have accomplished and who I am as a runner? Do I even consider myself “an athlete?” In short, no, I don’t. Or, I didn’t, until recently.
Many years ago, I worked in the NHS, in a Primary Care setting. Whilst there, I started a lunchtime running group, a workplace Jog Scotland group, where anyone could join in. One of the Public Health Directors in the area I worked in was pleased about this whilst being told about it by one of my colleagues. My colleague introduced me to him and told him that I was training for the London Marathon at the time. His response was enthusiastic, “Oh, you’re an athlete then, that’s great”. I replied feeling rather embarrassed, “No, not really….I, erm, do a little bit of running”.
Why do I remember this conversation so vividly? It was 15 years ago. I remember it because it was the first time I was ever referred to as an ‘athlete’ and I did not believe that it was a title of which I was worthy. I’d been running for a couple of years at that point. Surely, I thought, an athlete is someone ‘elite’, performing at a high level? Athletes, I believed, were at another level. A higher level. One that was ‘above’ what I did. I wondered if it was related to ‘winning’ or placing well in races. I had some successes in Road Running, placing in the top 5 or 10 in some smaller races but even if I had thought I could go out and win a race, I’d still never have considered that it made me an ‘athlete’.
Bill Bowerman, American Coach and Nike co-founder, famously said that “If you have a body, you are an athlete”. I never perceived that I ‘looked’ like an athlete either, or even a runner for that matter. I believed not that simply ‘having a body’ made you an athlete but a particular type of body was required. Body image issues are rife amongst runners, both male and female. I have witnessed years of competitive thinness amongst female athletes, with extreme thinness being equated to success, faster times, and worthiness of the title of ‘athlete’. It’s something that I always found difficult to be surrounded by and was a particular feature of the Club environment I was involved in during my earlier years of running.
Fast forward many years to 2013 when I started running Ultra distances. My first Ultra resulted in a second place finish in the female race. My second Ultra, 6 weeks later, I was first female. So, I’d won a race. I won another race in 2014 and have finished in podium positions in a number of others over the years. And still, it made no difference to how I viewed myself. I wasn’t an athlete, I was someone who liked to run and ‘got lucky’ in some races. I believed I had achieved the things I had not because I was an athlete, but in spite of the fact that I wasn’t one. And these things had been achieved in spite of the less than perfect body I possessed, not because of it. I am not going to attribute these things to depression, because even in times where I’ve felt well, these have still been my feelings about myself. In 2016 when Paul became my coach I became part of ‘Team Pyllon’ and became one of his ‘Coached Athletes’. And I would describe myself and others as such. But saying something because it’s ‘just words’ is very different from actually believing it. My inability to see myself as an athlete is related to a warped sense of self that needed to evolve.
Poor Performance and My Evolving Athlete Self
Over the past few years I’ve been on a roller-coaster of Antidepressant use. I hate taking them, but sometimes, it’s what is required. I could write a whole other blog on my thoughts about Antidepressant medication, but let’s leave it there for now. Each ‘episode’ of Antidepressant usage has had an impact on my weight. On average I’d gain at least half a stone each time I used them. An annoyance that only added to my dislike of their usage. However, I’d usually lose the weight each time I stopped them but the longer the period of usage, the longer it seemed to take to lose after stopping them. The last batch of antidepressants I used was in April 2019. I haven’t taken them since. And yet my weight hasn’t fully normalised since then. The added weight has stayed. So, of course, I attributed that to a general slowing in my running times after this time. I can’t pinpoint exactly the time at which I felt things were deteriorating in my running performance, rather than improving. But it was probably in the period after I ran the Oman race in 2019. Although it was possibly before.
So here’s the problem: my times were slowing, not in a way that was tangible through races (longer Ultras are at an overall slower pace anyway), just in ‘normal’ training. I couldn’t sustain the same sort of paces that I had. So I found lots of things to blame that on.
I blamed my race recovery – I told myself that I needed to give myself more time after last years failed UTMB and then Oman.
I blamed my nutrition – I must not be putting the ‘right’ things in, so I wasn’t getting the results back out.
I blamed my age and hormones – I’m a 45 year old female. I told myself it was the inevitable decline due to Perimenopausal symptoms and therefore, nothing could be done. And related to this, I blamed problems I was having (and continue to have) with my menstrual periods.
I blamed my weight – I couldn’t get rid of those extra pounds from the antidepressants, surely down to my poor self discipline. See above re nutrition!
I blamed my mental health – when I was low, I found running more difficult and so it must be mood related. Poor mood = poor pace.
My warped sense of self meant I wasn’t an athlete so it must be a variety of things that I was doing wrong rather than a potential negative (but normal) health outcome of….training like an athlete. Duh, face palm.
The slowing down of my running progressed this year to a point where running was, quite frankly, a bit of a chore. I trained well during ‘lockdown’ with fairly consistent 50+ mile weeks, but the downward spiral continued. And despite speaking to Drs about it, I continued to blame myself for feeling so drained, using all the reasons above. Running became a breathless, tired experience with a feeling of possessing no pace.
Truthfully, I should have been a better advocate for my own health with the Health Professionals I spoke to. Had I been able to see myself as an athlete I may have been able to confidently assert that I was not just someone ‘who runs a bit’. I should have asserted that:
I am an athlete who trains with commitment.
I am an athlete who trains consistently.
I am an athlete who trains under the guidance of a coach who can interpret my data to show I’m not ‘overtraining’.
I am an athlete who still has the potential to improve at age 45, so age is not an overall excuse for sudden decline.
I am an athlete who generally eats well and pays attention to my nutrition.
I am an athlete and that should be taken into consideration when assessing my health. It is not enough that I can still do the things I used to in terms of achieving a particular weekly mileage – if I feel dreadful whilst doing it, it is not normal.
I am an athlete and I should be trusted that I know my own body.
So, after a couple of sets of blood tests and a very honest conversation with a wonderful GP, it was concluded that my Ferritin levels (Iron stores in the blood), whilst falling within a clinically allowable level, albeit at the lower end of this scale, were below the level that should be expected for ‘an athlete’. Yes, I had to describe myself as an athlete to a Dr. I had to be specific about how things felt, as an experienced athlete. It transpired that blood tests I’d had taken more than a year ago were also ‘below target’ for Ferritin and my levels had been on a consistent downwards trajectory for a couple of years. Athletes with sub-optimal Ferritin will often see a deterioration in energy levels and performance. People who train regularly and to my level (re: weekly mileage and racing ultras) should not, according to the GP, be judged by the same levels as someone more sedentary. Athletes must be treated as such.
I am now, therefore, on 3 months minimum of iron supplementation. After almost 2 weeks of taking these, I can feel a small, but noticeable difference. I am full of hope and anticipation that I will continue to feel improvement over the next few months. Not only in my running, but in the day to day tiredness I was feeling.
In the meantime, I will continue to work on how I see myself and fight the negative self perception in favour of a more positive view. I am, as always, a work in progress.
Running Through Thoughts 